From the Yahoo News Article (click title to link to article):
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Obama continued, “first and foremost we are working diligently to encourage ISIS to accept homosexuality and other alternate sexual lifestyles. So far we haven’t made much progress on that front, but I have all of my top people working on that. Encouraging love, not hate, can turn this thing around.
Secondly, and even more important than ISIS social policies, we have a full court press on the global warming issue. Global warming dwarfs our concern for what ISIS may or may not be doing, and in fact, it has now been confirmed that Global Warming itself, is the actual cause of this violence. I have sent several delegations to ISIS to discuss them and prove to them that its not their fault, its ours, the West for putting so much carbon dioxide into the air. So far, I haven’t heard back from our delegations likely due to severe sandstorms in the area or sun spot activity affecting the radio telecommunications, so I can only assume they are in the midst of deep discussions with the ISIS leadership.
Our planes continue to pound sand dunes near ISIS installations and personnel to show them that if need be we actually do have the weaponry to deal with them if need be. I’m convinced though that there has just been a series of misunderstandings and that these wonderful ISIS folks are eager to join the rest of the nations in dealing with other problems that the global community faces.
I do regret that most in the West have jumped to the gun in accusing ISIS of this devastating attack in Paris, but I believe that all are innocent until proven guilty, except conservatives and republicans in the United States who are beyond hope. ISIS is not beyond hope, I am the one they’ve been waiting for and I’m quite confident that we can resolve all issues”